Passionate from miles away, passive with the things you say
Yes that's Drake I'm quoting... Only cuz it's kind of clever...
This last weekend, we took a long weekend trip to Orinda. A staycation, if you will. I imagined the weekend to be non-stop drawing and painting and taking advantage of the fact that I will have "no contact" with the outside world (thanks mobile internet for making this not possible) and that I will literally have nothing else to do. Though I did draw and sketch and attempted to paint on my never used, yard sale bought french easel, I feel like I did not accomplish much of anything other than literally doing nothing.
Some of my thoughts over the weekend were "what do I want to draw?", "do I even want to draw?", "do I even want to draw that?", "does any of this even make sense?", "this tree doesn't look like the tree I'm drawing... but this one kind of doesn't but looks like it could be"... To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing and the feeling of it sucked. But... there were some moments where I tried my hardest to not care about what a drawing really looked like and to maybe even try drawing what I thought it should look like other than what it "actually is" (if any of this makes sense) and the feelings in those moments were a little better.
I also took advantage of the quiet time to reflect.. I probably did not do the greatest job about it but I got to sit down with my own thoughts and think up of some questions I'd like to find answers to which made for a full page of writing. There seems to be a reoccurring theme about what I want to do while I'm able to.... Some different but slightly the same ideas of what my interests are or new things I want to learn... and the constant that I want to keep going with throughout my life.
The problem is, I'm so worried that I've allowed my "day job" to over consume me and my thoughts that all that I want to do will not be made possible because I've allowed myself to believe that the work I do now at my day job is it. I especially felt this way while trying to come up with a character of my own and did not like the outcome. I thought of the times I don't spend sketching or drawing to help improve my skills, even just a little by the day. I thought, what's the point? Is it even worth it? I felt like a fraud with my $30-40 fancy sketchbook and all my pens and pencils and a set up for painting that I couldn't even come up with a fucking "character".
But... I should be proud of myself that I did put the pencil to work. That I did try a new and different technique. That I did use a new pen and got to scribble and doodle on my fancy ass sketchbook. Even if it was shitty. Even if I don't like how less than half of 9 pages turned out to be... I should be happy I even took that step and made that effort. I would like to believe it's because I'm passionate about what I want to do with my life and how I want to live it. Though I wouldn't say that our situation was ideal, albeit very relaxing, it would be great to create a balance between work to make ends meet and work that is passion... Why not work that makes ends meet that I'm passionate about? (see: ikigai)
Though I'm still not sure what exactly it is that I'm REALLY passionate about, I think I'm working my way up there....
Here is "this weeks" challenge...
21. You lack passion for your work
The passion, obsession or interest you have for what you do is undoubtedly felt by others through what you create. If you have none, it will show, so find something to get passionate, ideally obsessed, about. It makes actually getting work done easier too.
And... Of course, a drawing :)
I actually finished this at the end of August. I contemplated whether I should share this with other people or not and really had to think about what I wanted to say if I did.
I won't identify who this was directly for but indirectly, this is for all those who love to give people, especially women, unsolicited comments and remarks.
A client, who've I've had slight uncomfortableness with in the past, had later taken advantage of times I've let them text me on my work phone. I will not deny that at times I feel I've maybe overstepped some boundaries with other clients but never in a way that seemed like I had an interest in them as more than a friend. I feel like I talk to people as though I want to be their best friend... Weird, I know but I do worry they may think otherwise...
Anyways.. This client had texted me one other time in the past. I did respond but trying my best to make the text more work related. The text convo ended with a continuing reach to make it more than it needed to be and me not responding to it. The second time they texted me, they said that I looked better when I smile and to have a good day. Apparently, I have a nasty bitch face every time this client is around... What doesn't help is that when they are around, they constantly point out how mad I look or how serious I seem. Little do they know, my face 88% of the time I'm at work is a bitch face but I might have been at the cusp of my 88%-22% moods when they saw me. I'm irritated by this as I share this with my colleagues and was later told that I should just ignore it.. The next day, I text the client some instructions regarding the current job and after a few "sounds good" exchanges, they continue with asking how my day is going and whether I am "smiling or are serious" and that they "hope I'm smiling and to have a good day"...
The thing is... If you and I have a great speaking relationship where I can comfortably laugh or joke with you on the phone, through text, or in person... That is fine, please ask how my day is going. I would probably ask you how yours is as well, yknow... cuz we've created some kind of relationship (and yes, relationships can be platonic). I do this with some of the clients that are ladies and especially around my age because we can relate to each other. There are definitely some guys that I do give off a friendly vibe to but never flirting or inappropriate, pretty much talking to them in the same ways I would if I were talking to the girls. Don't get me wrong, some ladies don't even respond to my smiley faces or lol's.. The same can go for the guys.. But if you are a client that I've never spoken to in such a way or I try my best to keep it appropriately friendly and you've crossed that line, please don't expect me to be a fucking peach around you.
I couldn't just ignore this though. I don't care if they're harmless. I don't care if they didn't mean anything by it. I take what I do seriously or I probably am not enjoying what I'm doing, hence sans smile on my face but please, don't tell me I need to fucking smile. I responded straight to the point that "I'd appreciate it if [they'd keep] texts work related". Of course, they came by some time after since we had to complete their job and apologized, saying they were just trying to be nice. I told them that it doesn't matter who it is, that I would respond to anyone in the same way... but of course I forgot to use the keyword, unsolicited, but I think they got the point.
I share this with you because one thing I felt I was always passionate about was my straightforwardness. My vulgarity. Standing up for myself when someone feels the need to tell my how I should look, be, dress, or act. (I also hope I don't do this to others.... probably my fam but that's another story). I could have, in that moment, cussed this person out. I could have really stuck it to them and risked my job. I could have really made a point in that moment and for what? Repercussions I would have instantly regretted, perhaps. Had I done all that, I probably would have never drawn this... I've had people close to me tell me I need to do this, or that, look like this, dress like that but it was never for my benefit... It was always for theirs. They didn't like what they saw and they either said these things to make themselves feel better or more secure but only left me feeling even more shittier. This drawing is for all those people... Not just the ones I've dealt with but to those other people have to deal with as well.
I hope you had your moments of "fuck off" this week (in ways that won't get you fired) or that you didn't have to deal with any at all.
❤ ClarizeYale
P.S. Though I'm sure this has been a thing before, a significant reference would be from a scene on Broad City when some random guy on the street tells the girls to Smile (something else I'm too familiar with or similar)
P.P.S. If there's something I've been strangely obsessed with lately, it would have to be La La Land's original motion picture soundtrack (minus John Legand's song...) Singing along with it doesn't get old and my hands want to dance while I'm driving and I see ideas for paintings and drawings and colors in my head when I'm listening. hmm, maybe I should do something about this... LOL
What are some things you are passionate about that you include in your artforms? Please share in the comments!